Turns out, I can watch He-Man on Hulu.
Now, I haven’t watched He-Man since I was a Punky-Brewster worshipping little nose picker sitting next to my older sister on the living room floor. We had all the He-Man toys that we could conjure up at yard sales and birthdays. My favorites were the bad guys and rejects, while my sister collected He-Man and his goody-goody followers. This was in part to my sister’s ability to beat the crap out of me and take the more popular characters. Initially, there were fits of rage, but I learned to love the leftovers.
I had three different Skeletors (including battle-damage Skeletor – JEALOUS?). My prize was the Orko with the rip-cord thing that made him do stuff. In our episodes, He-Man bungled every adventure and ended up getting mangled or embarrassed in front of his royal friends. He had it coming.
But after watching the series for the first time in 20+ years, I find that there are many things that I didn’t notice while watching He-Man in my Swiss Cake Roll induced haze of a childhood.
1. In the title sequence, Prince Adam (in his pink collared shirt) clearly describes the power he gleans from his the big shiny sword in his hand to be ‘fabulous!’
Someone explain to me why gays chose Tinkie Winkie over He-Man as their fictional go-to guy. I demand a recount.
Even Cringer looks like he has some questions:
Pink collared shirt opened up to the waist, cinched with a belt over a tight long sleeve t-shirt. Purple fuzzy underpants over purple tights and calf-high boots. You go, Prince Adam.
Too bad he turns into a d-bag once his powers kick in.
2. He-Man’s cheesy dialogue and inflated ego is probably what turned me away from extremely muscly men for the rest of my life. I’ve been stereotyping them as stupid assholes since the day this show aired. Please change back into Adam.
4. He-Man humbly identifies himself as ‘The most powerful man in the UNIVERSE!’
Now, come on. Maybe if someone else was standing there telling him he was the most powerful man in the universe, then it would be different. Who is willfully hanging out with this guy?
5. Then he punches you in the face.
At the top of each show, He-Man tells you he is the most powerful man in the universe, and then punches you, the loyal viewer, in the face.
6. BABY RUTH? Pretty sure that Cyclops is the rejected twin brother of Cyclops.
The red hair, the impaired vision, the need to spout stupid shit at any given moment. I knew that X-Men Cyclops had to be inbred, because my distaste for him is something like the instinct a mother cat has to kill and eat the mentally-impaired kitties. He-Man’s Cyclops is my proof. There is a 3-eyed fish somewhere in this gene pool.
7. I had forgotten all about Evil-Lyn, since we never bought the toy.
In fact, the only girls I ever remembered from the He-Man universe were Catra and She-Ra. I discovered today that this show was so deeply embedded into my subconscious that I named my daughter after a little-known villain.
I call my girl Evil-Lyn on a daily basis, due to her cunning, dominating little genius. Now I know there is a reason for it. This is what happens when kids like me didn’t have enough friends to play outside with. We turn our children into cartoon characters.
8. What is Man-At-Arms wearing?
Is it a morph suit with pieces of armor strapped over it? Even his fingers are covered. But yet when it comes to the family jewels, all he’s got is a patch of bearskin. Boy is your skin green except for your head?
As the fresh morning sun streams through his open chamber window, Man-At-Arms grunts into his hairy chest as he lies back. He scoots to the edge of the bed to tug his careworn bearskin underwear over his smooth, green fabric-filmed bottom. “Mrgh. Murph.”
A paid professional had to sit down at a table and decide that this was the best outfit for He-Man’s closest friend. Then five other guys in suits had to approve it with signatures.
9. The queen and Tila are a couple of really hot redheads. In fact, there are a surprising number of redheads in this show.
11. Again, He-Man is a total turd. His lines make me want shove pencils in my ears.
14. I don’t want to go all Dr. Ruth on you here, but the way He-Man opens up the deep, rippling cavern of Castle Grayskull with his giant sword is just a little Freudian. He only does so after the Sorceress begs him to come inside. Hmmm…
I mean, come on. He’s this antiquated ‘pansy in pink’ persona one minute, then after he transforms into He-Man he’s the picture of manly domination. His voice gets deeper and he has a huge sword — it even shoots white stuff out of the sword at his reluctant cat’s face so he can ride it.
15. Man-At-Arms thinks he owns a lightsaber. This is offensive.
17. Merman probably has sex with fish. (See his first appearance in the above episode. Oh yeah.)
18. And finally, my love for Skeletor still knows no bounds. I have a feeling that he’s the second child in the family who didn’t go to Duke law school like his big brother Skullatron. One day he’ll finally take over Grayskull and have the dinner party of the century, complete with little quiche’s and his parent’s elusive approval.
Anyway, these are just a few observations. I probably should have left well enough alone and cherished my warped childhood memories.