unemployed meme

I Want a New Bra Lyrics, Parody of I Want a New Drug and also Boob Memes

‘I Want a New Bra’ to the tune of  ‘I Want a New Drug‘ by Huey Lewis And The News. Bold words are where I think Huey would really punch it up.

Here is the video to listen along with:

[intro]

I want a new bra, one that won’t pinch my back
Somethin nice to hold my boobs up, Cotton, silk, with real smooth straps

bra meme mean girls

I want a new bra, cause I only own two
One I’ll wear for about 3 weeks, And tell myself, ‘I’ll wash it soon

[chorus] Don’t wanna pay alotta money, But the best ones cost a few
Testing bounce and feeeeeel in the fiiiitting rooooom
…in a pink fitting room

bra meme mad men

I want a new bra, One that won’t make me sweat
But not if it hooks in front, that plastic snap digs in my chest
I want a new bra, one that feels like air
Impossible to detect it, easy to unhook back there

office bra meme[chorus] Momma said I should wear one, but I’m not sure why I do
Is cup size is just a number made up by some dudes?
Bra-less miiight be cool, (not sure if I’m that coooool, baby…)

Bra Meme Zoidberg

[jam out to the bridge and jump out of a helicopter]

boob bounce meme

[more bridge jammin’]

one boob at a time meme

[listen to them horns!]

boob jail meme

I want a new bra, one that does what it should
Make this body look like a lady, pull them boulders up real good
I want a new bra, one that looks real hot
But I’d like to fall asleep in it, so underwire- maybe not

[chorus] One that will last forever
And acts as a wallet, too
Strapless is a gamble, but my shoulder game is good
Braless might be cool. (Braless might be cool, yeah yeah…)

strapless bra meme

[bridge again, outro]

bra meme

Publishing this post assists in validating the hours of procrastination I have spent making up lyrics ala Weird Al and looking up bouncy memes. Writing fun things about boobs is a great way to put off writing about very real things that have actual deadlines. Thank you for your support.

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Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury Hair DIY Tutorial

Sailor Rain , Make Up! Sailor Moon Cosplay Hair Tutorials

These Sailor Moon hair tutorials originally appeared in the ‘gyaru’ magazine, Ageha, which ceased publication in April of 2014. I’ve put them here in hopes that someone will find them useful for some Sailor Moon cosplay. My loose translations are snarky, yet accurate.

Click any of these photos to be taken to an annoying photo page  (gotta make that paper), then click again there to see the huge version of the jpg itself.

Sailor Moon Hair DIY Tutorial
Sailor Moon Hair DIY Tutorial from Koakuma Ageha 9/08 Issue

Sailor Moon Hair Tutorial

Separate hair into even pigtails, reserving a a third of the hair at the base of your neck for some creativity later. Split those bangs in half, too. Backcomb each pigtail at the base, then wrap it into a loose bun and pin in place. Part the hair left at the back of your neck and then wrap it around the hair elastic on the buns. Pin in place. Curl as desired. Wake up late for school, bomb a test, date a guy way older than you, then blame it on a cat you found in the street.

Sailor Pluto and Chibi Usa Hair DIY Tutorial
Sailor Pluto and Chibi Usa Hair DIY Tutorial from Koakuma Ageha 9/08 Issue

Click Photos to View Full Size

Sailor Pluto Hair Tutorial:

Use a straightening iron to smooth those locks to a silky sheen. Create a high ponytail, then tease up the hair at the base. Curl the hair around the ponytail to create a soft, messy bun and pin in place, then shellac the whole thing with two cans of hairspray.

Sailor Chibi Moon Hair Tutorial:

Separate hair into pigtails. Use a large curling iron to create ringlets throughout. Gently brush the middle of the pigtails with a soft bristled bush to give each pigtail a full-bodied look. Wrap some of the hair from the bottom of the pigtail around the hair tie to cover them up and create more lift from the head. Pin in place. Use your hands to shape the hair so that it curls up. Twist the ends with a bit of mousse to make spiraling tendrils that hold their shape.

Sailor Venus and Sailor Jupiter Hair DIY Tutorial
Sailor Venus and Sailor Jupiter Hair DIY Tutorial from Koakuma Ageha 9/08 Issue

Sailor Venus Hair Tutorial

Create a part that crosses horizontally over the middle of the head. The idea is to create a large space for both bangs and the Minako hair poof. Draw the hair from the top of the head into a ponytail at the crown. Use a straight iron to flatten all that hair, then curl the ends ever-so-gently with a large-barreled curling iron. Draw a lock of hair from the bottom of the ponytail to wrap around the hair elastic. Back comb at the base of the ponytail to pump up the volume. Take a straight iron to those bangs and Bob’s your uncle.

Sailor Jupiter Hair Tutorial

Part your hair just like we did in the Venus hair tutorial. Brush bangs to the right and pin behind the ear. Curl the ponytail hairs and back comb at the base. Add a mouse or other soft holding product to the ponytail, working in gently with your hands. Pin locks from the front of the ponytail down so that they cover the hair elastic. Something tells me Makoto would never spend this much time on her hair.

Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus Hair DIY Tutorial
Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus Hair DIY Tutorial from Koakuma Ageha 9/08 Issue

Sailor Neptune Hair Tutorial

Neptune’s hairstyle is pretty much the same as Grace Adler’s. To achieve this effect, first part hair at the middle of the head to allow for a lot of bangs. Add three hot curlers to each side and the back at the crown. Leave in for length of one episode of Bob’s Burgers. Curl the rest of the hair with a large-barreled curling iron.  Gently comb out the curls to create a wavy look and backcomb at the base for volume. This article keeps saying to add ‘wax’ to the ends of your curls to make sweet lil’ tendrils, but use the styling product of your choice. Add a hot curler to the bangs and watch another round of Bob’s Burgers.

Sailor Uranus Hair Tutorial

Neptune can not be legally shown in any capacity without Uranus appearing next to her, so this article has successfully fulfilled that obligation. Part your short hair to the side, add hot rollers, see what Louise is up to, remove rollers, then work in some of that ‘wax’ to create separate spikes of badassery.

Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury Hair DIY Tutorial
Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury Hair DIY Tutorial from Koakuma Ageha 9/08 Issue

Sailor Mars Hair Tutorial

Spray the ends of your hair with a hot new product they’re plugging, creatively called ‘Curl Water’. Dry your hair after all that Curl Water application, then curl the bottom half of the hair. Brush gently, then separate your crunchy, product-laden tendrils. Then spray them some more? Basically, Rei doesn’t do her hair. This is a page-filler because you can’t just leave out Sailor Mars.

Sailor Mercury Hair Tutorial

Part at the top of the scalp, leaving ample room for big bangs on the right. Add hot rollers at the top of your head and straight iron the rest while you wait. Toss your curlers to the wind and backcomb at the crown. Work your fingers in to fluff everything up, then set with a light dusting of chemicals.

Questions? Ask on Facebook…

Protecting Your Skin in Style

Protecting Your Skin in Style

Protecting Your Skin in Style
Rain Blanken at Ft. Meyers Beach, looking decidedly unstylish.


If you are heading to the lake, pool or beach this 4th of July weekend, don’t forget to plan for Old You. What am I talking about?

Well, not too long ago, I was Teenage Mutant Ninja Rain, who neglected to plan for Twenty’s Corporate Stooge Rain. Consequentially, I acquired a tattoo on my arm that needs to be covered to fit a business-casual dress code, which cuts into my fashion choices at the office. I just wasn’t thinking ahead.

With some luck, I’ll be Old Wise Rain one day, and I’ll have to be her just as much as I’ll soon have to be Thirty’s Can’t I Retire Yet Rain. While I’m not getting anymore tattoo’s, I do need to start paying special attention to the skin on my face, neck and shoulders.

Saving your skin from the sun has more to do with future planning than trying not to turn red and crusty for a week. Do yourself a favor and wear stylish beach wraps and enough sunscreen so that Future You doesn’t have to invest in a jug of wrinkle cream. She’ll thank you for it in twenty years.

Here are some great ways to stay sun safe without looking like a dork at the beach:

  • Crochet a Beach Wrap – These short capes are in and can be made out of a yarn that matches your suit or sandals.
  • Wear Sunblock Every Day – If you wear a light sunblock on your face everyday of the year, an occasional burn at the beach won’t have too much impact. Work it into your makeup routine.
  • Go Kitschy Vintage with a Floppy Hat – Audrey Hepburn had it right. Wearing a glamorous floppy hat will instantly transform a bikini and sandals into a crafted style. Make your own to perfectly coordinate.
How to Sketch Fashion

How to Sketch Fashion

How to Sketch Fashion
How to Sketch Fashion, with super stock photography.

Learn how to sketch fashion designs with these five easy tips from Rain Blanken.

Fashion sketching is not only a great way to carry a concept from paper to runway, but it’s also fun for brainstorming. If you are interested in pursuing fashion design, it is important to keep sketching. Sketch meat dresses and Star Trek uniforms… sketching all kinds of fashion will help to keep your creative mind sharp.

How to Sketch Fashion
How to Sketch Fashion

1. Use ‘croquis’

Crochet? I love crochet! Croquet? They play that with flamingos on Alice in Wonderland, right? Nah, croquis are yet another word that is not ‘croissant’. Sadly, not everything can be a croissant. In my article on About.com, learn how to use these pre-made models to get right to fashion sketching without having to draw hands (agh, they’re the worst!)

How to Sketch Fashion
Fashion Sketching Tools    Photo: Getty Images

2. Fashion sketching tools

Which tools work best for sketching your styles? Colored pencils can give a lot of detail, but sometimes lack to get bold ideas across. Let’s take a look at the advantages/disadvantages of various mediums.

How to Sketch Fashion
Fashion Flats   Photo: Getty Images

3. Fashion flats for details

Fashion flats are a lot like the technical drawings that you’ll see on sewing patterns. They give a lot of insight as to where seams and notions are placed to make a garment work right. Not the most flashy corner of the fashion world, but necessary if you want your pants to stay up.

How to Sketch Fashion
Add Fabric Swatches    Photo: Getty Images

4. Add fabric swatches

Sample swatches are the perfect excuse for my fabric hoarding. In this part of the article, I’ll explain how fabric swatches can give you a great deal of perspective on the finished garment.

How to Sketch Fashion
Fashion Sketch Inspiration Board     Photo: Getty Images

5. Make an inspiration board

Getting your thoughts out of your head and onto the wall may sounds like a redundant exercise, but this is actually a great way to collaborate your ideas with others, and just give your inspirations time to breathe and morph. Plus, if your designs are out on the wall, it makes you accountable for finishing that project when your buddy asks about it two weeks later.

How to Sketch Fashion
How to Sketch Fashion

6. From design to creation

Above is an example of taking a design concept from paper all the way to the finished costume. You can see a few changes made along the way, but the sketch and notes indicate the fall of the fabric, colors, and tone of the design. Don’t be afraid to mess up that notebook.

How to Sketch Fashion
How to Sketch Fashion      Photo: Getty Images

See the full article on About.com for all of my tips on how to sketch your own designs.  I hope that my tips give you a bit of inspiration and the courage to just jump right in and start creating. Not every design is a winner, but they all contribute to the development of your skills!

Share your designs with me on Facebook.

Upcycled T-Shirt Tutorials

Upcycled T-shirts: Ways to Turn T-Shirts into Something Else

 

Upcycled T-Shirt Tutorials

During my six year contract for About.com, I’ve thoroughly explored the world of turning t-shirts into other forms of fashion. Since the jersey material is so easy to manipulate, and t-shirts are so plentiful, they make for a popular muse.

Here are my 10 Upcycled T-Shirt Tutorials:

Racerback Upcycled T-Shirt Tutorial

1. Above: My original design, the Trident Braided Racerback is a project for the experienced t-shirt refashionista. You’ll use a looping technique that actually braids and strengthens the straps.

Upcycled Tube Top

2. Above: This upcycled tube top can be used both as a skirt or a top. This is a great project for t-shirts that have large print, like this Hogwarts t-shirt that was three sizes too big for my sister.

T-Shirt Roses

3. Above: I used scraps from the Trident Braided Racerback project to create these little t-shirt roses. They are a quick and easy project that will eat up your scrap pile.upcycled-t-shirt-halter-top

4. Above: This halter top was created out of a men’s t-shirt that had no womanly shape to it whatsoever. My sister masterfully transformed it into a halter top for a perfect fit.

Upcycled Tank Top

5. Above: The above tank top only came in men’s styles;a boxy mess that can easily be refashioned into a fitted tank top, without even sewing a stitch.

Upcycled T-shirt Skirt

6. Above: This long skirt makes it possible to keep a large logo on a t-shirt skirt without it being right up by your waist. In this topsy-turvy design, the logo ends up on the bottom, along with the t-shirt collar, so the design hints back at it’s t-shirt roots.

Upcycled Tank Top Bag

7. Above: An old tank top, or one that is stained beyond repair, can make a quick and handy grocery bag.I used two tank tops on this design to create a durable tote that can hold a lot of weight.

Upcycled T-Shirt Dress

8. Above: The Yellow Submarine t-shirt dress above was created out of one of the many XL t-shirts that haunt my local thrift shop. The extra material is great for creating this easy jumper dress.

T-Shirt Babydoll Top

9. Above: This babydoll top uses a casing and some yarn at the bust to create definition and a better fit. The arms are cut off and I’ve added some matching trim and buttons to the design.

 

T-Shirt-Quilt
Photo copyright Ruth Ingram, Used with Permission

10. Above: If you are a t-shirt collector, or know one who is on your gift list this year, a t-shirt quilt is the perfect sentiment. You can save vacation or team memories for a lifetime, cuddling up with Margaritaville in front of the TV every night.

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Ways to Tie Dye

How to Tie Dye, What to Tie Dye, and How Some More

Back in 2008, wrote an article for About.com on the basics of tie dying. Six years later, all three of my kids have not only learned how to tie dye- they have dyed everything from socks to scarves. I’d say we milked this craft for all it’s worth.

Still, I’m willing to bet that I haven’t seen the last of my tie-dying days. I’ve got far too many hippie friends to keep my hands out of the dye for long.

Here is a collection of my many articles on how to tie dye:

Ways to Tie Dye
DIY tie dye tutorial from Rain Blanken

DIY Tie Dye: This article tells you how to properly prepare clothing before dying, includes several tying techniques, and instructs on what type of dye to use.

HIstory of Tie Dye
Tie dye: ancient, and I don’t meant the 60’s.

The Early History of Tie Dye: Where did tie dye come from? Did you realize that this fun outdoor activity is actually an ancient practice?

How to Tie Dye
Watch the foot!

What is Fiber Reactive Dye? Have you ever wondered why tie dye won’t completely wash out of clothes? Learn more about the chemical reaction happening in your favorite shirt.

Ways to Tie Dye
What kind of fabric can you tie dye?

Which fabrics are best for tie dying? Learn what type of fabrics take fiber reactive dye the best, and why t-shirts are such a popular choice.

Crumple Dye Tutorial
Crumple Dye Tutorial

Crumple Dye: Create a cool marbled effect. This is the easy dip-dye method that I used to create the scarf for my Zhaan costume… in fact, that’s my scarf in this tutorial!

Do you have a favorite tie dye method? I want to try to dye shapes, next. I’ve seen it done in a few online tutorials, and I’m ready to turn my fingers green, again.

No-Sew Mosaic Quilt

No-Sew Mosaic Quilting Idea

No-Sew Mosaic Quilt
No-Sew Mosaic Quilt by Blue Desert Roses

I am loving this beautiful quilted work submitted to me via About.com by Blue Desert Roses, for not only the patriotic theme (my mind is already lingering somewhere around Memorial Day), but also for the beautiful mosaic pieces. The tiny bits of fabric were actually placed with Steam a Seam, eliminating a good deal of time and work.

No-Sew Quilt
Steam-a-Seam available at Amazon.com

What a great idea, I can’t wait to apply this method to make some tropical mosaic bags for the summer. I can just see a lot of fish and octopi assembled in Caribbean tones.

Get more tips from Blue Desert Roses on creating these mosaic hangings, and see her other work on Artfire. I’m going to get started on my beach bags… what would you make with this mosaic method?

No-Sew Mosaic Quilt
No-Sew Mosaic Quilt by Blue Desert Roses
DIY Glitter Phone Case

Prada Your Phone: DIY Decoupage Phone Case Tutorial

DIY Decoupage Phone Case Tutorial
DIY Decoupage Phone Case tutorial by Rain Blanken

DIY Decoupage Phone Case Tutorial

I was recently challenged to create a killer glitter phone case tutorial for About.com. But what is there to a glitter phone case tutorial? Add glitter to glue, then apply to phone case. Let dry. Not exactly the most informative or exciting read. Instead, I added a decoupage element to my case that adds this season’s hottest Prada, Louis Vuitton, and Pierre Hardy patterns to my phone case.. without the designer price tag.

Ingredients:

DIY Decoupage Phone Case Tutorial
Everything you’ll need to refashion your phone case. Just like Anna Wintour intended?
Decoupage Phone Case
Cutting up Vogue for the sake of my own fashion.

The phone case was my blank canvas, so right away, I set out on an inspirational hunt through Vogue. I cycled through what I call The Three Stages of Vogue Readership, and came out the other side with lots of inspiration.

Mixing Glitter Glue
Wasting glitter should be a federal offense.

There are more than a few glitter-glue tutorials online, but I have to disagree with most of them. They are always carting out a big ol’ bowl of glitter that poses nicely for photos, but isn’t very practical. We’re only painting a phone case, here, so I don’t need a lot of glitter-glue. Put a dollap on a tupperware lid next to a nearly-equal pile of glitter.

I even used just a blob of glue, then mixed white glitter into one side of the blob, and my other glitter colors into the other sides of the blob. Stop wasting glitter, internet!

Apply the glitter-glue to the phone case, starting with light colors first.


Working with the lightest colors first will make mistakes much easier to fix.

Here is what the dried first layer will look like:

DIY Glitter Phone Case
Let dry overnight. Here is what the first layer of dried glitter looks like.

Not quite solid coverage, so we’ll hit it with another coat:

DIY Glitter Phone Case
Push the second layer of glitter onto the first, filling in any gaps.

The second coat is more about filling gaps. Use a stiff brush to push the grainy glitter mix in there like you’re filling holes in concrete. I’ve never done that before, but this is how I picture it. Don’t let this layer dry before applying your magazine cut-outs.


Now that my ‘beach’ is in place, I can start adding my magazine cut-outs. I put a bit more glue on the spots where I was going to place my pieces, because the glitter-glue was still bumpy. I also swiped the back of each cut-out with glue. Push these into the wet glitter-glue a bit to sink them in.

Let this dry completely, then come back and add a coat of decoupage glue to the tops of your cut-outs, and about 1/8″ away from them. The goal here is to create a seal around each piece. Let dry, then add a second coat. If you’re particularly rough on your phone cases, come on back for round three. Let dry at least two days before you use your phone case.

DIY Glitter Phone Case
Rain Blanken’s finished decoupage glitter phone case.
DIY Decoupage Necklace

DIY Decoupage Necklace

DIY Decoupage Necklace
Cold as Ice Project DIY

High above the street, on the 3rd floor of the M & J Trimming flagship store, designer Michelle Levy was revealing the next Project DIY set to me. My eyes lit up with instant inspiration, and Michelle and I were soon excitedly swapping design ideas.

Rain Blanken and Michelle Levy
Rain Blanken and Michelle Levy

It was Fashion Week in New York City, so my brain was already spinning with inspiration by the time my mother and I had ducked into the 6th avenue store. Inside, things had only gotten worse for me. From ceiling to floor, M & J Trimming was a mecca of all things craft. Picture the New York Pubic Library, with books towering above in all directions, tucked away in every available space. Now, turn all of the books into feathers, buttons, beads, lace, and fabric. That’s the M & J Trimming store in Manhattan.

MJ Trimming NYC
MJ Trimming NYC photo by Rain Blanken

So, after being hit in the face with Fashion Week and the cavernous possibilities downstairs, I was ready to word-barf all of my ideas in the studio room with Michelle. She showed me a mock-up with a blank acrylic plate and all of the jewels included to decorate it:

DIY Decoupage Necklace
Pieces included to make the Project DIY statement necklace

By the time I had left the studio, I had so many ideas for my own Cold as Ice statement necklace. But, not every week can be as magical as Fashion Week. Back home, I had ten more projects to complete, and then our car met it’s demise via a patch of ice on the road. I was not looking forward to participating in anything named ‘Cold as Ice’.

When I finally opened my Project DIY Cold as Ice box, all of that inspiration came flooding back… and all I could think was spring. Check out how I turned my winter misfortune into a spring rejuvenation with the Cold as Ice project:

DIY Decoupage NecklaceI had never expected that a ‘Cold as Ice’ project could putt me out of the winter blues, but it turned out to be just what I needed. See how I made my Cold as Ice DIY Decoupage Necklace at About.com…

Burlap Rose Tutorial

Rain’s Burlap Rose Tutorial

Burlap Rose Tutorial
Rain’s Burlap Rose Tutorial

If there is anything that I love about crafting fashion, it is the way that it brings people together. Recently, I bumped into Kirsten Nunez in the virtual cocktail party that is Twitter. Like all great conversations, we started out by complimenting each other on our stuff. She’s a DIY Fashion maven like myself, so it’s only natural that we start pointing at each other.

Burlap Rose Tutorial
Rain’s Burlap Rose Tutorial

Kirsten asked me to do a feature tutorial on her blog, Studs and Pearls, with a twist; an accessory that took only 5 steps to complete and followed a floral theme.

I ended up brainstorming a brooch that embodied the way I feel in New York City; a little lost and obviously from out-of-town, but definitely fabulous.

Check out my burlap rose tutorial on Studs & Pearls. I think you’ll be surprised at how easy it was to create this country-bumpkin beauty.